Indian Citizenship: A Fictional And Realistic Account

A short information pamphlet to prepare you for Indian citizenship eligibility. This is a self-evaluation  task that you are advised to take, before you undertake the actual  test of living there.


1)  Do you like Indian food? (FYI: It is of the spicy category). If you can eat Indian food continuously for 2 months three times a day (especially idli,dosa ,paratha and rajma), you pretty much qualify to be an Indian. That is all it means to be an Indian;To eat Indian food and use Indian utensils.

You are an Indian too!

                         

2) If you are worried about psychological fit and cultural make up, don't worry! We've a force feeding program on the one and only great Indian culture. We feed it so forcefully that you will vomit out everything. That includes your mind and soul. Since you won't have your mind at the end of training, there is no point worrying about your mind set.


3) Once you attain a particular age, the society with the help of government agents can find you a suitable partner for marriage. Regardless of your gender, your family's way of doing marriage and your attractions, it is advisable to get married once the clock ticks 20 to 25. This is advised to avoid heavy penalty and negative grading on your life progress report that is published everyday by local authorities. You don't have to panic, several search parties are available to get you a partner according to the specifications you give. You just have to focus on your job and earnings. Earnings will do these days.


4) Besides that, you need to be comfortable with crowds, power cuts, noise pollution and intrusive local politicians. Indian Government has this great program to habituate all foreigners to all these items.


5) Last but not the least, you need to suck up big time. I mean to government officials, politicians, cops, rickshaw walah and almost everybody else. To facilitate this, we monitor your thoughts, actions, interests and ideas to see if it fits the Indian way of thinking. This monitoring process goes on for 5 years after initial training. If you cross the line in this Indian way of thinking, you will stripped off your citizenship, property ,money and probably thrown out of the country. "You are not an Indian anymore!". If  you think it is harsh, it is based on the rationale that if you can't live in the greatest culture in the world, you probably can't live anywhere. At the best, you can bribe your way to a neighboring country. But no guarantee on the amount of bribe, as it grows 300% every year. For meeting such exorbitant costs, we can arrange the donation of your kidney, liver and other organs that are worth a lot of money.


To prepare you for all these tasks, we have several coaching centers around the country run by several private institutes. They train you so well, you can pass all these tests with '"first mark" (You will probably meet several million "first marks" there).


Please contact any Indian to know more about this. You don't have to search hard as they are everywhere. Good luck on your preparation.

                                                      Satyameva Jayate !!!